book review vol. thirteen: A Field Guide to Evangelicals and Their Habitat

by D.O.


I came across this book at a Dallas area Half Price Books I visited with a friend. I had no intentions of leaving the store having made a purchase, but upon thumbing through this book I thought it worthy of my $6.47. At first, second, and possibly third glance, I wasn’t sure how to go about thinking of this book. Was it a joke? Was it serious? The cover and certain charts (including the “Common Handraising Postures” chart) made it seem as if it were a sarcastic book, but the content of much of the body seemed too right on to be a joke.

Well it turns out that A Field Guide to Evangelicals & their Habitat is in fact a satirical look at, well, evangelicals. The author, Joel Kilpatrick, creator of Lark News, is said to “attend church regularly for personal fulfillment and new material.” Well having completed the book it is evident that this man does indeed attend church and has a knack for picking up on the humorous nuances that occur across the nation in churches residing under the “evangelical” umbrella, ella, ella.

So after reading this book, not only will you have laughed a lot (assuming you’re one who can poke fun at things that are typically taboo to laugh at), but you will also have learned:

- What evangelicals believe
- How to identify an evangelical on the field
- How to plan and execute a field trip to an evangelical church
- How to talk and act like an evangelical without being one
- Evangelical habits overseas
- How to decorate like an evangelical
- and much more.

Some recurring themes you’ll come across in this book is the fact that evangelicals love homeschooling, eating, and voting Republican. Meanwhile, they hate bars, R-rated movies, and CNN.

Though I did laugh throughout the entirety of this book (less in the “Evangelical Mating Habits” chapter), about half way through I started to question how fruitful it is to go into this much detail poking fun at the quirkiness of the current status of the church in America. Though I doubt anyone reads the book this way, a beneficial way to look at it would be to realize that, though it is a satire, this book does justice to how the non-believing world sees believers. Upon realizing that, if we could strive to be less lame, that, I think, would be fruitful.

I’ll leave you with a few quotes from the book:

[On how missionaries make a living]
“Long-term missionaries spend every third year traveling the US… they also dress in the perceived traditional clothing from their country of service, playing to Americans’ mistaken belief that Third World residents dress in colorful handcrafted garb… missionaries know that if they showed up to preach in an old *NSync T-shirt and ill-fitting swim trunks, nobody would give them a dime”

[On decorating like an evangelical]
“On the wall immediately visible when you walk in, hang a framed cross-stitch or embroidery that reads, ‘As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord, Joshua 3′. There is simply no substitute for this particular piece if you wish to maintain a convincing evangelical design”

[On greeting evangelicals]
“…offer a standard greeting, coupled with a phrase like ‘God is good’ or ‘Praise God’ or ‘What a blessing’. Give a warm handshake, perhaps pulled into a brief hug if the person is of the same gender.”

[On bars, nightclubs, and poolhalls] (Bold added)
“You will not find evangelicals in places that encourage drunkenness, fornication, dancing, or fighting with pool cues. The only time they might duck into such a place is to hang a poster for a Christian concert or a notice about an alcohol recovery program at their church. Evangelicals don’t want to make the mistake Jesus made in hanging around society’s lowlifes and becoming known as winebibbers and drunkards — a reputation that put a major crimp in his earthy ministry.“